With apologies – and many, many thanks – to Sellar and Yeatman.
The case for Britain leaving the EU is obvious and overwhelming, but it seems that my recent ironic posts on the subject have been totally misunderstood by certain people. These are mostly ex-pats, who are little better than traitors having left the UK to live in nearby EU countries. Too much sunshine, plus daily exposure to constant anti-British rantings by greedy Brussels bureaucrats, has removed their ability to see things as they really are, and although I laid the irony on thickly with a trowel many took my articles at face value.
So now it’s time to set the record straight and describe the world that awaits us after June, when we finally break our shackles and bound free from 40 years of enslavement. It’s going to be an exciting time.
Before I do start on the good news it’s best if I provide a brief résumé of how the EU became what it is today.
The idea of a “United Europe” goes back way more than 40 years. Its roots lie with Napoleon and Hitler, both of whom tried to impose a single identity on the people of Europe. And had it not been for Britain, in each case they would have succeeded. It was only British military might that defeated them, and this has left a deep resentment in Paris and Berlin. So together they hatched a plan for one last big push. First they roped in the Italians with the promise that they would never be asked to either work or fight, then they cunningly suckered Belgium, a country fatally divided between its French and Dutch populations, by placing the EU headquarters in Brussels, right on the border between the two halves. This also neatly gave the world the impression that the EU spoke for the entire continent rather than just two rabidly anti-British countries.
The final master stroke was to convince the gullible fools Wilson and Heath to take Britain into the EU, promising a free trade agreement when their true intentions were totally otherwise. And 40 years later, despite the heroic efforts of Margaret Thatcher, here we are now.
Fortunately for us, common sense has ridden to the rescue in the form of Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson. Thanks to their single-minded determination we have a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to regain the country we lost back in 1976. After June 2016 Britain will be a very different place.
Enough has been written about the need for Brexit. What will life really be like after glorious June?
The British economy will show an immediate, profound and lasting effect from leaving the EU. Free of the need to pay for lazy southern Europeans to enjoy their idle lifestyles, money will pour back into our economy. Entire industries that have been decimated by over-regulation and red tape will spring back into life. Coal mines will reopen, steelworks will emerge from their dust-covers and the woollen and textile mills of the North of England will once again ring with the sound of happy workers.
Some say that the rest of Europe will apply trade barriers to an independent Britain in revenge for us having taken back our freedom, but they forget how utterly dependent Europe is on us. Without Britain the German car industry would soon collapse and French vinyards would become uneconomic, with few other customers to replace us (do the Chinese buy French wine? I think not).
In fact, the power of the world’s 5th largest economy is such that Europe has no choice but to go on trading with us or risk collapse.
In recent years it has become more and more difficult to make an honest living in Britain. This is almost entirely due to EU over-regulation plus having too many cheap foreign workers taking the best jobs. The millions of migrants that are being forced here by incompetent Brussels bureaucrats will soon take all the other remaining jobs too, leaving the British as third-class citizens in their own country.
After June things will be different. All foreign workers can be sent home unless there is no Briton able and willing to do the job. This is really simple and is well understood by Nigel Farage and Boris Johnson, who are not cowed by a supine intellectual Establishment that will not stand up for Britain. Almost immediately we will return to full employment, especially since so many industries, dormant because of the dead hand of Brussels bureaucracy, will be able to flourish again. Textile mills and clothing factories, coal mines, steel works – these can all rise again freed from regulation and over-taxation that just pays for EU inefficiency. Before the EU sapped our energy Britain had unchallenged industrial might; it’s time to get that back again.
The biggest gain in all this is the removal of the need to pay unemployment benefit, as everyone will have a job. The savings here, to be distributed to all of us, are immense.
Britain’s security is heavily compromised by EU membership. The EU, having proved itself completely inept when it comes to dealing with the problem, wants to push millions of migrants into Britain and will do so if we do not leave immediately. Many of these migrants are in fact ISIL sympathisers and would-be terrorists. Like everybody else in the world they are jealous of not having been lucky enough to be born British, and their answer to this is to kill as many of us as possible.
After June we can simply say no. Let them stay in the EU. How dare they expect us to take them? We have far too many asylum seekers already; we are soon going to be packed shoulder to shoulder on this cramped island.
I realise that this is a sensitive subject, and I am certainly not a racist, but the fact is that most of the people being sent here are from very different cultural backgrounds, and because Britain is a free country they think they can come here and make demands we find unacceptable, like telling our innocent young women to “cover up” or risk being raped. This is why it is so important to deal with the immigration problem and deal with security at the same time.
Even after we leave the EU there will still be the occasional bunch of migrants leaking across the Channel. This is a big problem because we’re dealing with human beings here, and unlike some of our EU neighbours we don’t go in for genocide or prison camps like the Jungle; these are inhumane and un-British. Instead, take them back to France, where they came from. The French may not like this very much but they shouldn’t have let them go across in the first place. If they get really sticky and refuse to let our ships land then the only thing to do is to stop close to the coast, put the migrants into nice wooden rowing boats, give each one a plastic bottle of English spring water, a life jacket and enough money for the train fare to Paris then let them row themselves to the shore. We must be very clear about this; no means no; if you send us these people we will send them back. And if owing to administrative oversight a few asylum seekers or convicted drug dealers, rapists and murderers accidentally find themselves included then they’ll be no loss.
Life in Britain after June will change in many subtle ways, all for the better. With the gradual removal of so many foreign immigrants the whole country will have more space. Housing will become available for the native British, who at the moment have make do with third-rate accommodation to allow benefit-scrounging migrants to take the best of what’s available, all at our expense. With Britain becoming British again there will be far less need for mosques and other un-Christian places of worship; much better uses can be made of these, such as for bingo halls.
With the return of full employment and the recovery of our housing stock it will be rare to see people sleeping on the streets. Those few who do should be encouraged to take up the many job vacancies that will be available. If necessary both work and accommodation can be found for them, for example in the now disused mosques.
As many fewer people will be taking foreign holidays (see below), preferring instead to seek the delights offered by the British countryside, its towns and its beaches, the malign influence of the EU will reduce, helped by our broadcasters actively promoting a British way of life. Expect to see the return of many British foods that have been almost lost in the relentless tide of curries, pizzas and kebabs.
Closing our borders to immigrants will present problems. Some trade will be affected, but Britain stood firm against the Nazis and we can do it again. We will rapidly build trade links with countries outside the EU, all of whom are very keen to do business with the world’s 5th largest economy. The people who will be hurt most are those wanting to go abroad by car, but these people only do this so they can stock up with cheap French wine and tobacco, and so deprive honest British traders of business. If you must take a holiday abroad there are plenty of low-cost flights from EasyJet and others, and if you need a car to get around they have them for rent in France. But Britain has some of the best tourist and holiday locations in the world, so why not consider taking holidays at home?
It is little known that in 1986 the EU imposed one of their “harmonisations” which forced everyone to change their clocks on the same date. This has far-reaching effects that are poorly understood even by meteorologists, among which that Britain got less sunshine and the rest of Europe got more. The benefits to the EU tourist industry are obvious.
After June we will be free to revert to a fairer distribution of hours, which will immediately have a beneficial effect on our weather. Recent wild fluctuations will cease, allowing traditional seaside holidays to be taken and garden parties to be held without fear of unexpected downpours. In summer our beaches will once again be full of happy British families enjoying a paddle in the sea, a donkey ride and a tub of cockles or whelks from one of the many beachside vending stalls.